15 lessons for 15 years of marriage from a girl who didn't dream of it
As little girls, most of us played dollhouse and dressed up with the future thought of someday being a wife or Mom.
I wasn't one of those girls. I was a tomboy of sorts, who never had the thought or plan to have kids and get married.
Don’t get me wrong, it was probably somewhere deep in my subconscious mind as a someday thing, but my conscious plans were to travel the world and help kids who didn't have a voice; the kids who were marginalized abused and forgotten; to be the light that the Bible talks about.
Yes, that was my thinking for most of my teenage years. The dream of being someone else’s savior never went away though, because as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I knew my purpose at an early age.
I may not have had the specifics but I knew it had to do with making sure no other young boy or girl experienced the stuff that I did as a child. Let me warn you that I will continue to talk about child abuse because it is part of my story but it’s not the only chapter. Be warned!
If it makes you uncomfortable, that’s ok. My purpose here is only to let another victim and survivor know that I am still standing.
In late 2001 when I met my husband, I knew he was the one. Don’t ask me how I knew LOL, I guess that still small voice inside just knew.
There were so many kinks to work out though. I said my prayer and left it up to God. We were doing the dating game for a while but nothing serious. Needless to say, we were both young and at the time figured we had our whole life ahead of us, so there was no rush.
Unfortunately, when you are dabbling in the grown-folk business there are consequences that come with it *smiles*.
I got pregnant at the age of 20, not something I expected or planned for, and we weren't married so I just accepted that I’d be a single mom.
We did it differently than the traditional ways of getting married first, then having kids, living the good life you know, and the happily ever after.
I used to feel bad for being a young mom and not finishing college. However, I’ve come to love and accept that our story is different and that's okay.
Fast Forward to 2005 when we relocated to the United States as first-time parents and newlyweds in a foreign land. We had no clue what we were doing, so those first few years of marriage was tough. There are so many lessons but here’s the 15 that stood out to me
1. Be happy with yourself first. Your spouse is there to add to you becoming more of your best self. This is very important because no one can make you happy but yourself. Trust me, I used to think that it was my husband's responsibility to make me happy, and if I wasn't happy it was his fault. From reading books, and attending marriage seminars I learned that's not the truth at all.
2. There is no perfect person or situation. We are all flawed. Learn to love the flaws in each other and in yourself. Change what needs to and keep it moving. One of my flaws used to be perfectionism. Things had to be in order for me to function properly. Until I realized we are all just figuring things out and things don't always have to be perfect.
3. Never talk negatively about each other to anyone. Just don’t!!! I learned this the hard way. You will have seemingly well-meaning friends and family who you’d want to confide in, but remember this...they will remind you of all the negative things you said when things start going well again. If you don’t have anything kind to say keep your mouth shut!
4. Befriend and build relationships with couples who have been married longer than you, and also newly wedded couples so you can be reminded to keep things fresh and fiery. Iron sharpens iron, and learning from people who already went through what you will go through is a great way to minimize the fall out of some things.
5. Go to God in prayer for EVERYTHING. There is nothing too hard for God at least that's what I believe with all my heart.
6. Learn from each other, no one can read minds, only you know what you want, I used to think my husband supposed to know what I’m thinking and feeling. This created so much unnecessary tension for us.
7. Always remember there are seasons and nothing is always good and nothing is always bad. Each season is a different milestone, from being newlyweds to having a child, buying a home, a death in the family, career changes, moving, etc. Give yourself and each other lots of grace in those seasons.
Read books about human behavior, about the mind and relationships/marriage.
8. Date night doesn’t have to be out somewhere or in a fancy restaurant. Work with what you’ve got. Long before COVID happened, I would plan indoor date nights for my husband and me. When we were working towards buying our home, spending was limited and we had to come up with creative ideas to still enjoy a night out. One of my favorites is the indoor dinner picnic style.
9. Go to therapy for yourself firstly and also as a couple at some point. A professional therapist will always be more objective than most friends and family. I’m going on 6 years since I first started seeing my therapist and it has helped me to process so many things in a way I would not have otherwise.
10. Learn each other’s love languages and try your best to show love in their language. Learning one's love language makes your relationship so much easier.
11. Laugh a lot, tell corny jokes, 🤗laugh at stuff that doesn't even make any sense. Do you know the saying laughter is the best medicine? Well, it's the truth!
12. Talk, but LISTEN twice as much. When I say talk I mean really have conversations about any and everything. Being from the Caribbean, talking is not something that is encouraged. I don’t remember ever seeing my parents communicate like that.
13. Find new adventures and be flexible.
14. FORGIVE
15. Pray with and for each other always.
Lastly, know that you know NOTHING, really we don’t know anything, we are always learning and growing so be open and ready.
July 21st 2005 picture on the left to now
